The Tousled Lioness

tybaar:

The last time I talked about my job delivering pizzas, I went over some unique individuals that left a lasting impression.

This time however, I’d like to go over some classic archetypes I’ve encountered that all you other delivery kids in the biz are probably familiar with.  These are people and places I’ve delivered to that seem to fall into a recurring category and over time have been subconsciously cataloged.

They usually only hit one of the marks, but you can get stacking bonus points if they fall into multiple categories!  Most of them I’ve tried to keep specific to pizza delivery, but if you work retail you can probably spot a few crossovers.

Anyhoo, here are some repeat offenders that you will probably encounter if you’re a pizza delivery driver like me:

The Drunk - Let’s be honest, everyone loves pizza when you’re drunk!  This dude however looks like he hasn’t been sober since 1993.  He’s always super wasted every time he orders, no matter the day or time.  Be careful when you get to his place because he’ll quickly trap you with a sloppy incomprehensible story that will go in circles indefinitely while you stand there desperately waiting for him to just sign the fucking receipt.  He never will, of course, but he’ll keep that pen hovering over the tip line just long enough to give you blueballs.

The Breeder - This lady’s got kids.  A lot of kids. And probably is knocked up again as we speak by her perma exhausted but strangely fertile husband.  The path up to the door is most likely a minefield of toys and once you’re at the door good luck making out anything this chick is saying over her screaming kids utterly losing their shit over the fact that you’re there.  Her order is probably highly specific and features a bunch of half/half pizzas with weird topping combinations because the damn kids are so fucking picky.  Either that or she just says ‘fuck it’ and orders like three extra large cheeses and lets them fight it out.  Bonus points if she looks down at the kids, back up at you, and asks if you wanna take one with you.

The Paranoid - You will deliver to his place only at night.  He has at least two security cameras and has specific instructions on arrival like go to a specific door around back or knock in a particular pattern.  Most of his contact info is fake, so good luck calling him up if he’s not answering.  For some reason though this guy will immediately trust you implicitly and regale you with a laundry list of conspiracy theories.  Did you know about the mind control gas they put in the city water?  That’s why he keeps ordering like four 2LR diet cokes, duh.

The Scammer - This guy has never paid a dime for pizza his entire life.  Either he has an endless supply of complimentary pizza cards that he’s running game on corporate for (or just printing them off himself) or there is always *something* wrong with his order which means you are always taking two trips out to his place (one for the original order, one for the free remake).  He will never, ever, EVER tip you and will sometimes curiously remind you that he is a VIP.  Bonus points if he tries to cover his ass with a “I know the owner personally” or is “friends with your bosses bosses boss and so you better watch out!”

The Cat Lady - Cat Lady is the best!  She’s always super nice and tips very well. She also never seems to care how long it takes her order to get to her, but that just makes me want to take hers first anyway.  Obviously she has a ton of cats and will usually receive her order outside to prevent any of her precious angels from Solid Snake-ing out once you’re at the door. She orders the smallest pizza you’ve got, every time.  Word of warning though:  DO NOT COMMENT WHATSOEVER on her cats. If you do this she will proceed to tell you about every single thing each one of them has ever done in their entire lives and it will be utterly unstoppable.

The Rage -  This guy is pissed.  Oh man he is peeved the fuck OFF and for some reason he always is.  Sometimes it’s about you, sometimes it’s the order, sometimes it’s just goddamn everything and YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS.  Bonus points if he’s so pissy that day he simply says nothing and just breathes heavily behind gritted teeth.


The Assassin - You will never spot the Assassin outright.  He is silent, fast, and always sees you first. He will approach you often from behind, emerge from seemingly nowhere and deliver a soft “hey” while you fucking piss yourself because seriously where the hell was he hiding??  Bonus points if he spots you arriving, walks directly to your parked car before you get out and you don’t see him until you’re standing mere inches from his face.


The Dogkicker - What can I say?  This asshole kicks his dog.  As you approach the door his dog will already be there, understandably excited over the stranger standing outside the house.  If this guy didn’t kick the dog out of the way on his way TO the door, he sure as shit will kick it once he’s there.  See also: Complete human garbage.

The Terrified Child - This is either some lazy dude’s poor child that they sent to the door or a kid home alone with ten bucks their parents gave them.  Either way they were NOT expecting to have to actually interact with you and will stare wide-eyed and paralyzed at this cool stranger with a car and the ability to stay up past 10PM.  Terrified Child is also a 50/50 shot of getting either no tip at all or a curiously large one.

The Money - This dude is rich as balls; living in a mansion, gated community or high-end loft.  You may be excited delivering a pizza out here, figuring that his lush wealth is a guaranteed sign of a fat tip.  You would be adorably wrong. He will either wordlessly yank the pizza from you, sneering at your minimum wage status and plop down exact change - or simply round up to the nearest dollar.  Do not look directly into his eyes lest you gaze into his hollow lack of a soul.

The Grow Op - Most likely a regular, this place is the most obvious weed farm you’ve ever seen.  Most of the windows are covered by aluminum foil and it’s always really humid when they open the door.  Sometimes you can even see the plants from the foyer.  This house is also probably for some reason on a corner and oddly close to a a police station.  And no, they will never give you a sample of their bud in lieu of tip.

The Domestic Disturbance - Eeeeugh. Everyone hates delivering to these.  Wherein you will find a couple locked in a heated screaming match.  Who ordered this pizza?  Was it you?  Oh my god my sister was right about you all along! The tension here is so thick it would shatter the knife you tried to cut it with. I guess you just kind of stand there until someone pays for it and pray you never have to go back again.  Just break up, kids.

The Mysterious Wound - Whatever the hell happened to this guy looks like it was within the last half hour.  His injury is disturbingly large, haphazardly dressed and dripping a distressingly long trail of blood.  Hey guy:  Maybe your medium pepperoni pizza isn’t the most pressing thing on your plate right now?  Get yourself to a hospital or something, shit!  I’ll deliver it to your room!

The Unconscious - This dude is always asleep by the time you get there. Sometimes if you’re lucky you’ll be able to spot him snoozing in a chair from a window.  Knocking, calling, and making a general ruckus won’t ever wake this guy.   In point of fact, the only thing guaranteed to rouse him is taking his order back to the restaurant.  As soon as you get back, best believe he will call and chew you out.

The Trapper Keeper - This guy takes his pizza and then immediately places it vertically under his arm, like a book. Protip: The pizza boxes are not anti gravity devices and in point of fact are merely corrugated cardboard.   Bonus points if he calls the restaurant, complaining that his pizza is all smashed up.

The Lost - “Where are you?  The front door, huh?  Oh - okay let me just figure out where I am and I’ll be right there.”  Why doesn’t this dude know the layout of his own house?  Is he at a different address? Nope. He’s just fuckin’ lost as hell.  Might as well sit down because this is gonna take a while.

The Stoner - Generally I love delivering to the Stoner. They’re usually VERY happy to see you, tip fairly well, and so excited to actually be holding food (that they probably ordered way too much of) that all other transgressions will be immediately forgotten.  On the other hand, if you’re in-store and this guy places a phone order be prepared to be on the line for a good twenty minutes.

The Time Traveler - His order is late.  Nope, it doesn’t matter if it’s within the delivery time.  Doesn’t matter if it was technically early.  Doesn’t matter if you fucking teleported  there directly the very second his precious pie was boxed, it’s still late.  Time Travelers live in a bubble where the laws of space are distorted.  Forget everything you know, that pizza is late hours before it was even ordered.

The Totally Sweet Party, Bro - Haha who ordered all these pizzas?  Oh man it must have been Shelly.  Hold on she’s puking out of a third story window I’ll go get her!  But Shelly didn’t order anything.  There is no Shelly.  There is only sexually frustrated fratboys, a debris field of red Solo cups, and the familiar waft of Karkov.  Good luck figuring out who’s paying.

The Silent Hill - You will deliver here only once.  It is down a dirt road you never noticed before. It will be night.  None of the other drivers recognize the address, and they never will because even if you wanted to you won’t ever find this place again.  The moment you step foot on this property you *know* you’re being watched by forces unseen.  It is impossibly quiet save for periodic ambient noise that you swear is someone whispering.  The property has scorch marks and stains that you’re trying not to recognize as most likely blood.  There is no phone number.  You knock. Eventually someone answers but the interior is pitch black and you never really get a good look at them.  They pay with a sweaty wad of two dollar bills. Something moves out of the corner of your vision.  You drive 50 in a 35 zone all the way back to the restaurant.

The Bass - This dude loves his wubwub.  What the hell is he saying?  You’ll never know because no matter what time you’re there his subwoofer is blasting the same dubstep over and over far beyond the range of aural recognition. Somehow he has still managed to avoid liquefying his internal organs via sheer sonic force.

The Second Amendment - This guy likes guns. A lot.  He owns them.  Several of them. His front door and vehicle are most likely adorned with stickers like “God blesses this house - my GUN protects it” and “FREEDOM ISN’T FREE”.  He will sometimes show up to the door armed with that same damn Glock 19 he can field-strip and reassemble in his sleep.  He will give you a practiced nod, as if to say, “hello I like to have a pistol strapped to me while I eat pizza”. Fun fact: He’s a lousy shot.

The Lonely - Congratulations! By showing up at his house, you are now his absolute best friend. The Lonely will keep you there as long as humanly possible, talking about anything and everything without pause. Do you want his phone number?  He’ll give you his phone number. No? Here it is anyway just in case.  You will probably end up somehow agreeing to hang out with him just to get the hell out of there.

The Hush - This person says nothing to you.  Not a word.  Are there other people around?  Oh he’ll talk to them no problem.  But you? Complete and utter silence. He has no problem staring DIRECTLY AT YOU WITH A PIERCING, UNWAVERING GAZE the entire time however.

The Gangbanger - Despite his best efforts to look tough and menacing, this upper-middle class white suburban teenager remains the latter.  He will respond to you with poorly parroted and often mispronounced “street” speak and offhand mention that the pizza is in fact for his “bitches”.  The best part is when his mom calls out to him, reminding him to be sure HER LITTLE ANGEL TIPS THE NICE PIZZA LADY!  And while the delivery receipt says “$G-DAWG$”  His name is likely either Francis or Derek.

meancutie:

my preferred pronouns are babygirl and princess 

(Source: animeshawty)

idiotshitbaby:

call me princess or tell me i’m a good girl and you will not be able to physically remove my mouth from your mouth